Control

(For the last six weeks the 'young man' whom I am seeing exclusively has had a friend from another country, generation,history,economic group,etc. visiting him, they met on a gay sex site and developed a relationship. Basically as far from myself as is almost possible in looks and lifestyle. He will be here another week. During this time this 'young man', lets call him... D, D (yes, that suits him fine) has fallen for him. P'haps only not continuing his liason into the future because of geographics. (and because it's 'not real', apparently. Though real enough to be fed in bed, fellated, kissed, served,cuddled, understood and cared for)) WAIT UP! Then what make his treatment of me different to his treatment of others. I think I know what this feeling is. I WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL. LIKE I AM THE BESTEST FASTEST MOSTEST INDESPENSABLE THING EVER> I am thinking he knows ultimately he knows that I am a practical investment in a kind of education. Everyone (besides my dead partner) who has been in his position has taken the info and run, leaving me behind to take the tie off another corporate corpse. Do they come to me because they fear a life of mediocrity?

Wait, this is better dealt with in a less specific way.

My concern. Did I do wrong granting hassle free freedom to do so. Have I put my own position at risk? If it is at risk though, it always was. Right? Was i supposed to scream and shout and stamp my feet and forbid it? He would have done it anyway. Should that give me cause for concern. I want some of my own damn service and affection. Allowing my last and single most important friend to be in a situation that I chose not to fully control, killed him. Literally. I think that D has confused himself and I allowed it to happen without even a Nay. If true this means that I have allowed him to hurt himself which will in turn hurt me and set a roaming band of thuggish doubts to creep about my head. He calls me insecure though I feel that my demonstration of tolerance showed a willingness to TRUST.

I want ownership and sovereignty.

I don't feel at risk of him leaving me for the visitor, but I fear a chain of events/train of thought that may cause D to blame me for his sadness at his friend leaving. I wonder what he gave him that i dont/wont/cant? Does D want the same things I do from a companion? Is it a safe conversation to have... definately not now and not in the context of this situation. I am scared to feel like this. I dont trust easily, though i dont openly doubt what someone is telling me. In fact besides my late husband, I have never trusted ANYONE, including my family to have had my best interests at heart. I doubt that D did. I think he is under the impression I can look after myself.

He says I am a big kid, but I hardly ever laugh or feel safe or free. I have always been the watchdog. Powerless from being chained up in the yard, hoarse from barking but beaten because the house was broken into.

You know what... I want someone to look after me, for me to feel safe in someones arms , to have a human talisman to take a bullet for me, as i do for others. I am starting to feel the love flow more easily between us and I am half delighted and half horrified that I might lose what i have. Should I destroy it before he does? Between you and i, methinks (his) sabotage or boredom will destroy us. If not, then my fear of it. I know he feels the love. He also feels a love for the visitor.

I love extra anchovies on pizza.

For a year or two I had the most incredible perfect man in my life and we fucked it so bad that he died. How do I explain how that colours EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I hope i die before he does, or I have my heart broken.This note would make him angry, there is no worry he will read it though, he has no interest in lyricism or emotive ramblings. Probably best in the long run. I do go on. Though he does throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, when it comes to any discourse he is in no mood for. Did i mention that this D guy is pretty fucking important to me. My best friend? See, I am tired and a little in need of reassurance but when I ask, even though it embarasses me to do so. Often I get angry words, they make me sad.

I want my Dad. I want Matt.

I want someone to hold me tonight. So sick of being tough.

All there is now is to wait. Please let him get over this and back to me as soon as possible.
I will wait. ( I feel he does love me and this is a venting system.)
There is only me or is that not true. I have to get through this myself and I am not the most encouraging or positive muse. I want to go home. The only home I have never known was buried with Matthew, that being when I was deep in his embrace.

Love Help me through. And D, I think this is something like love.