Is there Life after death?

In the decision making process i am often confused. Now that Matthew is dead I am finding it quite difficult to find another reason to live. It is not possible for me to rouse myself in the morning and difficult to drag my much resented carcass out of bed. What for?

Another day of chagrin and regret to blindly stumble my half witted way through in the hope that the miracle of finding happiness will happen twice in a lifetime? How does one live a life they hate. I mean really and regularly abhor. A miserable lonely existence that is only compounded by company. A boy who says he could never have loved me if he hadn't been hit (coma, abi ect) by a tram that almost killed him. Who doesn't want my cock in his mouth or to lay with me and finds my desire for affection, company and comfort both repugnant and needy. Who actively persued me knowing that my Husband had died a mere few weekends earlier.

I am worried, i dont want to be here because i feel rejected but know that if i leave there will be almost no chance for reconcilliation. Oh, really, FUK THIS. I truly wish I was dead. I dont feel the love and even less so the Joy.

Why do I hang around?

Honestly, I am so fucking lonely. So hungry for touch. For someone to care. For an orgasm. Maybe he is right maybe I am needy and a weak man. A life of rape, death, abuse, poverty, addiction, death and trauma will do that to one. I have "lived" such a life and I DO NOT exaggerate in this regard.

Then again this unknowing and confusion is nothing in comparison to the agony I live with, outside my friendship with this man. I know nothing.

Please accept my sincerest apologies. Please terminate my life in a relatively painless way that will allow my mother to believe it was an accident.